


Mock the stars

by sherlocked221



Category: Mock the Week RPF, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Gen, Silly, very silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 13:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6053653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlocked221/pseuds/sherlocked221
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A while ago, I was really into Mock the Week as well as Star Trek and, when I was bored, this story just... happened...<br/>I tried to be funny, I failed but... enjoy?</p><p>A fanfiction detailing the characters from Star Trek in the place of Dara O'brian, Hugh Dennis, Frankie Boyle and the rest of the Mock the Week lot as they try to make jokes about their universe.<br/>Oh, and it's unfinished...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mock the stars

**Author's Note:**

> I was also really tired when I wrote this so I've probably got some things wrong or something, let me know!

 

Kirk enters into the studio, dressed in his gold uniform and takes his seat in the host chair. He looks among his team members who occupy the panels by his side and jokes, ‘Bit different, hey?”

A Scottish accent blabbers in his ear to say they’re about to start filming, so he informs his friends and looks at the auto cue. ‘Alright, alright Scotty, calm down, I’m getting started.’ Everyone giggles as Kirk looks like he’s talking to himself, McCoy makes a joke about his imaginary friend the ‘Gorn Captain’ and everyone else piles on. In that moment, Kirk is forced to pull the attention back to him and the Camera man counts down. When he points at Kirk, he begins.

“Welcome to Mock the Stars, I’m James T Kirk and joining me tonight is Mr Spock, Leonard McCoy and Christine Chapel. Hikaru Sulu, Pavel Chekov and Nyota Uhura, Welcome.” There is a round of applause from the audience which is mostly sea of red shirts, a couple of blue exceptions and one or two ensigns in their black under shirts. The camera switches from each of the members of the panel, showing their faces for two seconds each before pointing back at Kirk ready to start the first round.

“Our first round is Assignments where one of our panellists chose out of our categories and answer a simple question from a standard Starfleet or other planet equivalents assignment. Uhura, pick a category.” Uhura scans the five boxes on the screen in front of her despite the fact that she was already made to choose before the show.

“Language please, Captain.” She says strongly and the red box with Language written on it morphs into a Klingon quote.

“Ok, what does the simple Klingon phrase, nuqDaq ‘oH puchpa”e’ mean?” Kirk askes.

“Does it mean ‘We are the Klingon’s, prepare to have a conversation spoken directly from the throat?’” Uhura sets everyone off in a fit of giggles with her first try. McCoy is next to but in with his suggestion.

“Does it mean ‘Your mother has a smooth forehead?’” His joke is met with both a chorus of laughter and boos despite his straight and still grumpy face. Everyone on the panels are also laughing save for Mr Spock, who is not the type for jokes. No one really knows why he agrees to do this show when he spends the whole time waiting for the chance to say the right answer and wonders what the other members mean by half of their jokes.

“Is it just someone with dyslexia trying to spell ‘not today, punch?” Sulu chimes in, receiving expressions of confusion. He tries, and fails, to justify his idea, spiralling down a story about a Klingon called Punch with dyslexia- which, incidentally, spoke English- who wanted to go on shore leave but his Captain wouldn’t let him and by the time he’s perfected it, no one was quite sure how they got there. He ends up burying his head in his arms on the table, his shoulders jumping as he silently snickered at himself. Around him, people are rendered speechless, and Chekov continues- as he began when Sulu justified the story- to write the whole thing on his PPad. Kirk gets another yell in his ear from Scotty, telling him to move on but he can’t stop everyone from making jokes about this now. He brings it back and copies Scotty’s words.

“Can we move to the correct answer?” He says, directing it to Uhura- communications officer- and Spock who just knows everything. If anyone was going to get the answer, it was one of them.

“, nuqDaq ‘oH puchpa”e’ means, Where is the bathroom?” Spock states and Kirk gladly gives him points. He nods and reads the autocue.

“Yes, this phrase was from the most recent level one Klingon test in Starfleet academy. Apparently, it is important to ask this while you’re on a bird-of-prey so you can go the other way and hold it until you get to a nice, safe star base.” Kirk condemned the stupid scripted joke in his head but people seem to like them, or maybe that was just because the rarely used plaque is up, telling them to laugh.

“Hold on,” Chekov says, drawing the camera attention to him, “You need to know where the toilet is on a Klingon wessel? I’d rather know vhere the space suits and exit doors are.” He’s not usually that funny but many people relate. He gets some of the biggest laughs, even from the teams for the entire show.

“Yeah, of course you, as the only human on a _Klingon_ Ship needs to know where the bathroom is,” Christine Chapel sits forward to offer her insight, her hand out pointing at Chekov from across the room, “You need to know where to hide when they all realize that you are human and they should capture you as a hostage.”

“I guess that’s true. Moving on, our next round is called ‘Not Today punch, wheel of Stars.” His reference to Sulu’s story brings about another fit of giggles from the audience and as it dies down, he catches the end of the autocue line. “This involves Uhura, Sulu, McCoy and Christine, could you please make your way to the performance area. In this round, the Story generator brings up a subject that any of the panellists can volunteer their jokes. Ok, spin the wheel.” The screen makes a sort of whirlwind illusion to make it look like something is actually spinning and when it stops, there is a picture of the planet Romulus. “The first subject is Romulens, who wants to come in on that?” Kirk watches as his four friends hesitates on their raised platform. McCoy then steps forward, briefly glancing at Spock, acknowledging his heritage and connection to the species. But everyone knows he’ll ignore that. He’s famous for being just a little offensive when he wants to. He takes the microphone out of its stand and looks out at the audience.

“I won’t ask if there’s any Romulens in the house because if there were, we wouldn’t be able to see them. They’d all have clocking devices to hide them. Also, we wouldn’t have got this far into the show without being attacked. Anyway. I think Romulens are an underrated species. After all, they did get away from their logical cousins to live a more hostile, dangerous life against the federation. See, another way to tell that there aren’t any here is that they literally would’ve killed me for saying that.”

“Thank you, Leonard McCoy!” Kirk cries and McCoy walks back to his side. Everyone claps him back. The screen picks yet another topic, showing an image of the Klingon, Andorian and Human ambassadors. Kirk announces that it will be Interspecies Relations to which Nurse Chapel walks up shyly to the middle of the performance area and stands close to the mic. It’s her first time doing this, the show needed new faces and she was brought on, reluctantly. It was her friends in Sickbay that put her up to it saying she was funny, awkward at times, but funny. She took it as a complement.

“Right… so Interspecies Relations.” She searches her mind for something to say, just a story using her medical background. Anything. While she stands there, a shy smile on her face, a low hum of laughter fills the air. It’s not as daunting as she thought. “I’m not sure of any of you have ever helped deliver a Gorn cross with a Klingon baby but it’s not exactly the most handsome of creatures. Especially when you have to deal with the stench and non-existent intellect of an inferior race. And the Gorn was pretty bad too.” Her first joke set up and told all by herself and there’s no horrid silence to meet it. In fact, she’s the cause of an outburst that takes a while to melt away and let her continue. “I’m not saying, though, there shouldn’t be Interspecies relationships but it is weird when someone says to you that they’ve done it with a Horta. I’m not even joking as well because in the Academy, one guy did say that he had, and described it to me. Trust me, it did not sound… Right.” She receives applause and goes back to her place, glad that she did it. Kirk seems to be finding it hilarious, just trying to work out how the hell that would work. Spock and Chekov who still sit by him are conversing about it, Chekov giving funny opinions and Spock logically working it out. Kirk then has to move on, announcing the next topic to be Shore Leave, represented by an image of an earth beach, golden sands and blue sea. Sulu, somewhat reluctantly, walks over. He’s remembering his mess up with the last game but doesn’t really mind doing it again. In some respects he’s searching for a way to do it and get more giggles.

“So, my last Shore Leave was pretty crazy because… I didn’t get to actually go.” He shoots an accusing look at Kirk who hides behind his hands, “It’s not actually leave if you don’t… there’s something you’re missing in the title if you stay on the bloody Enterprise. And I didn’t get to relax at all and even, like, one of my good friends who… well left me to have a holiday, asked me afterward how my leave was. I DIDN’T BLOODY LEAVE THE SHIP CHEKOV!” He gives another look only to the young Chekov. He’s now, like Kirk, hiding from Sulu’s glare that just makes the story even better. The audience are sent into stitches while Sulu stays there, staring hard and even as he leaves the mic to go and stand back at his place. Kirk, if a tiny bit afraid of the badass Sulu, says the last subject for Uhura. She ends up with the Federation.

“We all serve under the Federation but I ask, can they really be trusted? Founded by humans who have had one of the worst war and unpredictability levels. Have a treaty with planets inhabited by species that around 30% of us can actually understand and even those that do speak English we can’t understand because we still are too ignorant to have everyone learn more about them. So what can we take out of that? Klingons should take over. I’ll give you three reasons why; everyone is made to learn up to level 2 Klingon, their empire hasn’t faltered for years and they look really scary.” Everyone is made to sit back down, giving everyone have a chance to laugh the joke off and get ready for the next game. Kirk whispers something to Sulu along the lines of ‘sorry’ before starting to read the autocue once again.

“So, we move now to a round called Headliners. This is a picture of the most recent Babel conferences but what does A.S.S.N stand for?” He asks.

“Is it actually an acronym? Could it just be Ass N?” Chekov teases, finding it hilarious until Kirk asks him what it means. “Maybe the N means nice. I don’t know!” Sceptically, Uhura leans in, half looking at her team member, half attracting Kirk’s attention.

“Could it be Andorian Snakes Scare NCC-1071?” She volunteers, making Kirk fall into a fit of laughs. He usually defends his Starship but the sheer randomness, he can’t deny, is funny. Spock, on the other hand, does not like it so much. He, for the first time in the show, turns to Kirk and raises an eyebrow.

“There are no such thing as Andorian snakes. They do not even have a species of animal that remotely resembles the earth reptile.” He contradicts, slightly killing the mood of the audience but the panellists like it. They know it’s the closest he has to humour except the occasional sarcastic remark. After Kirk assures him it is just a game, a joke and it’s all not to be taken seriously, he looks around for more suggestions.

“How about Avoid Star Ship Nomad?” Christine tries, still breathless in giggles at her Spock. She can’t hide how much she likes him, especially while on camera. One is constantly pointed at her panel and she can feel its glare but with her bit out of the way, she relaxes and thinks of the right answer that Kirk pushes for. It is a mixture of Sulu and McCoy who get the answer in the end.

“Ambassador?”

“Ambassador someone says no?”

“Ambassador Sarek says no!” McCoy is finally the person to shout it out and Kirk graciously awards points. He has a slight head-ache from where Scotty’s voice has been sharp in his ear, begging him to do this or carry on or do that, it’s a relief to have him quiet again.

“Yes the answer I was looking for was Ambassador Sarek says no, the news that had shocked many civilisations such as the Tellarites that the Vulcan Ambassador disallowed the conference to be held on his planet, saying that it would cause unnecessary disruption to their society, also being bias towards the federation.” Kirk reads, surprised not to find some joke at the end but it wouldn’t be fair on Spock if they poked fun at his father.


End file.
